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Registered
2009 2.5X EJ253 Manual
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2,830 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
haven't had chance to be on the forum much in recent days. Wife and I (married 21 yrs) having problems, real possibility it might end in a split-up more her desire than mine (still love her). My mother (86 yrs old) has had chronic health issues mainly related to severe pain mgt due to extremely severe curvature of the spine (scoliosis) which 4mg hydromorphone (dilaudid) every couple hours is no longer even touching. She was a near code lastnight in the hospital, do-not-rescusitate order on file as her and dad's wishes but she came out of it. She is in and out of consciousness today. Up until 3 yrs ago when the scoliosis took a turn for the worst, she was an active and robust octogenarian. And of all times for my wife to lob a tactical nuke my way... about two weeks ago she unloaded a lot of issues on me. She is the type who holds everything inside and doesn't communicate then it eventually boils over but instead of angry outburst she pushes people away. Oh well, thx for reading. The whole of everything going on has been making me physically ill as far as diahrea and nausea but i have to keep it together for our son (20 yrs old) who right now doesn't know anything about wife and I's issues (residing @ college). have to keep it together for my job, too. It is not easy, let me tell you. Soon as I eat anything in a half hour its lower tract discomfort and off to the bathroom.

I wish I could just fast forward time to a year from now and all this would be over and the pain will have faded no matter which way the relationship situation turns out, and the loss of my mother will have faded in pain...
 

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aka DMax in Alaska
'06 Mini Cooper S JCW 6MT
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787 Posts
Hang in there! Go get some doctor help for yourself. There is no way you can remain productive at work, be there for your mom and get your wife back if you are in bad shape yourself. It sounds like you have an awful lot of stress going on and it can kill you if you are not careful.

It sounds like Mom is being well taken care of, go get yourself and your marriage fixed before it's too late.
 

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Registered
2009 Forester X 4 A/T
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308 Posts
You are doing one of the best things you can do for yourself- finding an outlet to talk out some of the trouble. Really rough situation. I have experience with multiple close relative deaths in a short period of time, (Mother and Grand dad then an Aunt within 7 months) and dealing with a serious chronic, terminal illness with my dad, but adding in the divorce is - well - seriously hard to comprehend how you feel.

Do what you have to do to be there for your mother at the end.

I was in a fairly long relationship with a woman who 'held it all in'. Thought we were going to get married. I really loved her kids too. On day she just dumped on me for two hours about everything that was wrong with me, and our relationship and that she was secretly seeing and having 'relations' with her ex-boyfriend who lives out of state. Dumped my the week before Valentines day. I was sick for about a week. Work an outside sales job where attitude is key -so I was F'd for a while.

You are 21 years in and no simple web chat can fix the problem or instantly make you feel a whole lot better. Unfortunately women can have the cruelest timing and often don't realize just how deeply we men actually let them get into our hearts.

Find your best friend and open up to him/her. It really does help.
 

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04 Forester X, MT
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1,051 Posts
Prayers for you.

Not to 21 years married yet (but a lot) and some marital troubles myself. I was about ready to leave and my wife did a 180 so I'm giving it more time.

Talking it out with a good, close friend can help if they LISTEN more than they talk. In the end you have to be at peace with whatever decisions YOU make, so I would steer clear of anyone that seems they are trying to make your decisions for you, although wise guidance can be helpful.

It's hard to find a good marriage counselor but it can be either that or legal counsel. If it doesn't work out and things aren't too heated consider arbitration instead. That's what I was looking at.
 

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Registered
2008 XT Sports
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357 Posts
Sorry to hear that man, that is really tough.
Hang in there.
I wish I could offer some advice, but I don't have as much life experience as you do (10 years in a relation), so I'll just wish you good luck with everything.
Take care, and talk to some friends or family to get it out.
 

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Registered
2009 Forester XT Limited
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1,545 Posts
I am very sorry to hear about your current situations. As most have said here, life can and does throw unpleasantries our way. The Mrs. is a LMHC and has helped several of my friends and clients through tough times like you are experiencing by recommending areas of outreach and support. I will see if she has any input or help for you. In the mean time my prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.
 

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Premium Member
2008 2008 2.5i-2018 XT
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13,261 Posts
Man..sorry to hear. We men tend to treat women like second class citizens as a way of life. We are now married 42 years and there were issues that I really hadn't realized until maybe 5 to 10 years ago. I suppose some women would have left at least after the kids were grown. We are both Pa. German and for folks our age divorce is really a total rarity. She probably should have left. I felt really bad for a while and have cleaned up my act 99%. Maybe you have the same problem,??

Sounds though like there is more. Sucks that she is pulling the plug at this terrible time.

At least you don't have young kids. I'll say a prayer for your mom and your future happiness.
 

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Casper reincarnated
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2,272 Posts
21 years is a lot of commitment to be throwing away, I hope your wife has thought this through very very carefully and hasn't just thrown in the towel and taken the easy option.

We (wife & I ) are getting towards the end of 37 years (Sept) and we have had some bumpy patches over the years (yes divorce was in there a couple of times) but we worked through it together and I would be totally lost without her and it would devastate our daughter even though she is an adult.

Somebody else has already suggested bouncing your issues of a very close and trusting friend the friend will need to be confidentially trusting as well, you don't want your issues ending up in the public arena for all and sundry to hear and read about, least of all your wife, she will not forgive you for confiding your inner most secrets in somebody else, she will feel betrayed.

Don't be afraid to ask for help from a professional marriage counselor either you both have a bloody lot more to lose than just money from the settlement should divorce be the final option.

Best Wishes to you both and keep us posted mate.
 

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Registered
2009 Forester 2.5x
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706 Posts
My father died in a hospital some years ago, he had not been feeling well, a rare cancer was diagnosed, and two weeks later he was gone. The worst and longest two weeks of my life. Actually quite a bit more than two weeks, because there was the funeral to deal with, tying up many loose ends, and getting my mom situated to go on w/out her husband. Although I ate normally, i lost a lot of weight. One day in Dad's hospital room a social worker came in to sit w/ us, and I really spilled my guts to her. She in turn put me in touch w/ a hospital staffer whose job was to listen to folks in such situations and help them make some sense of it all, some perspective. This helped me a lot.
I'm uncomfortable commenting on your marital situation, except to say: probably you need to deal w/ your mom's situation now, and push the marital issues at least partly toward the back burner. Life isn't for the faint-hearted. Don't forget to take care of yourself during this hard time. I certainly wish you the best thru it all.
Steve
 

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2008 Subaru Outback Wagon
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67 Posts
LoneRanger--+1 on everything above.
Also remember you're wanted here on this site. Come back on when you can. I remember your user name for the Subaru OEM oil filter due to 23 psi requirements and think of you every time I buy filters. You've got friends here. Say your prayers every night.
 

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Registered
2009 2.5X EJ253 Manual
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2,830 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
All: thank you for the kind thoughts and words. I appreciate you all, it helps to talk about it. Its really hard to sit there powerless to help your mother who was always there for you through everything during childhood and beyond.
 

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MY04 Forester XT
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185 Posts
Also, remember to keep breathing. Deep and slow, whenevr you remember to, it will help a lot.

Be strong and do what's best for you.
 

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2016 Outback and WRX CVT
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2,589 Posts
I'm so sorry to hear. :frown:

Keep your chin up - there's always a tomorrow, and even the toughest will be behind you when the next day comes.

I went through a pretty tough stretch about 6 years ago, and as corny as it may seem, it was partly the support of my online friends who got me through some of the worst days.

I don't know you that well, Lone Ranger (and it's times like these where I wish I did know, better, the person having the trouble :redface:), but we are all one community. Know that we're all pulling for you.
 

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Registered
09 forester A/T
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136 Posts
hey Lone ranger im sorry to hear about your situation. i always believe there is sunshine after the rain, i hope and pray that sunshine comes to you soon!. hang on there and make sure you dont make it worst by compromising your job. my prayers are with you and your mom and relationship.

I dont know what it is in this forum that makes me feel like there is sense of "family" i guess there really is and it shows how everyone tries to support someone in times like this.
 
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