Post a Joke - Page 4

The Black Box · 01-28-2006, 10:00 AM

That's called a friend.

Hinch · 01-28-2006, 02:01 PM

Only barely on-topic, but there's a documentary in the States that was just released on DVD called "The Arsitocrats". The whole movie (produced/directed by Penn, of Penn and Teller) shows over 100 famous comedians telling the same old, old vaudeville-era joke, which starts "A man and his family go in to see an agent to try to get a job. The agent says "So. What's your act?" The whole family then proceeds to perform their act, which consists of the most horrible, disgusting things you can think of, and the joke goes on and on, possibly for hours, completely improvised, depending on the teller. Finally, the man says to the agent "So, what do you think?" The agent says "That was the most...amazing thing I've ever seen. What do you call yourselves?" And the man says "The Aristocrats!"

This film is *not* for everyone. It is, in fact, "not rated" in the US, but should probably be "NC-17", if not "X", although there is no nudity or violence. But it had me rolling on the floor.

mikeyfireman · 01-29-2006, 06:45 PM

Best movie of 2005, I LOVE this movie!!!! My wife is not into standup comedy so I had to go by myself, laughed for 90min straight!!!

Peaty · 01-30-2006, 06:28 PM

Something to think about:

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it
comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head
out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Dan · 01-31-2006, 11:19 PM

Shamelessly stolen from a joke thread on another forum:

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage / S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well... I don't think you should spank him."

Peaty · 02-01-2006, 02:28 PM

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, QANTAS is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P Stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log. S Stands for the corrective action taken by the service mechanics.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (Note:this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up,fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

SuperRu · 02-06-2006, 05:14 PM

Panexa. (Acidachrome Pomanganite)
Ask your doctor for a reason to take it.

http://www.panexa.com/

SubaJew · 02-07-2006, 06:55 PM

I found this at http://www.radioreference.com and thought you all might get a chuckle:

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this forum which makes light bulbs relevant to this forum
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 to hijack the thread by asking how to cook pasta
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

Peaty · 02-07-2006, 07:02 PM

"Top Ten Signs You're a Gay Cowboy," courtesy of David Letterman"

10. "Your saddle is Versace"
9. "Instead of 'Home On The Range', you sing 'It's Raining Men'"
8. "You enjoy ridin', ropin', and redecoratin'"
7. "Sold your livestock to buy tickets to 'Mamma Mia'"
6. "After watching reruns of 'Gunsmoke', you have to take a cold shower"
5. "Native Americans refer to you as 'Dances With Men'"
4. "You've been lassoed more times than most steers"
3. "You're wearing chaps, yet your 'ranch' is in Chelsea"
2. "Instead of a saloon you prefer a salon"
1. "You love riding, but you don't have a horse"

02-08-2006, 02:35 AM

Irishman buys a bath ,next day he takes it back to the shop "its no good the water keeps running out" he said ,the shopkeeper looks at it and replies "didnt you buy a plug"
"Fooking hell replies paddy i didnt know it was electric"

What's 3 things a man should never say in a gay bar?
1. Bottoms up!
2. Well Fcuk me!
3. Can I push your stool in for you?

Sorry for that nicked form another forum

Peaty · 02-17-2006, 02:14 PM

A 7th grade science teacher, Mrs.Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated? "No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 7th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down.Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good,Billy."Then turned to Mary and continued,"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say. First, you have a dirty little mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!"

----------------------------

Things We'd Like To See On Company Motivational Posters.....

1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with abetter company someday.
2) It's only unethical if you get caught.
3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts
4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
5) Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
6)If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals! (We suck less!)
7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
8) We put the "k" in "kwality"
9) If something doesn't feel right,you're not feeling the right thing.
10) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
12) If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
13) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.....
14) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
15) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
16) Your job is still better than asking"You want fries with that?"
17) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.
18) Plagiarism saves time.
19) If at first you don't succeed - try management.
20) At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.
21) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
22) This can't go on for ever, even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years.
23) Never quit until you have another job.
24) TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself

Palatine® · 03-15-2006, 01:48 AM

Fishing Rod
A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you
Everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

Subyroo · 03-15-2006, 04:33 AM

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "If I roar on the savannah, the entire savannah is afraid of me."
Says the chicken: "Big deal... I only have to cough, and the entire planet craps itself...."

keyser soze · 03-15-2006, 10:27 AM

An ole Cowboy was sittin at a bar. Bartender comes up and says "Hey Chet, if there is re-incarnation, what do you want to come back as?"

Chet thought for a moment and said "A womans Saddle." The bartender looks at him strangly and says "Why the hell a womans saddle?" Without looking up Chet says "Then I'd be between my two favorite things in life."

BlueDevil · 03-15-2006, 12:51 PM

guy walks into a bar with his giraffe. guy and giraffe both have a few drinks.
giraffe passes out on the floor. guy gets up to wak out and the bartender says "you can't leave that lyin there." guy says "it's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

why are pirates so popular?
they just Arrrrrrrr.

what's irish and stays out all night? (i'm irish, btw)
pati o'furniture

what's the difference between an irish wedding and an irish wake?
one less drunk

jesus walk into a motel and hands the innkeeper three nails and asks "can you put me up for the night?

what do you call a black guy that flies a plane?
a pilot you racist

01-28-2006, 10:00 AM	#46 (permalink)
The Black Box I can argue with no facts to back me up!! Contributing Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 3,427 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 0 / 0%	That's called a friend. __________________ '08 XT LTD/MT

01-28-2006, 02:01 PM	#47 (permalink)
Hinch Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Tampa, Florida Posts: 164 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 0 / 0%	Only barely on-topic, but there's a documentary in the States that was just released on DVD called "The Arsitocrats". The whole movie (produced/directed by Penn, of Penn and Teller) shows over 100 famous comedians telling the same old, old vaudeville-era joke, which starts "A man and his family go in to see an agent to try to get a job. The agent says "So. What's your act?" The whole family then proceeds to perform their act, which consists of the most horrible, disgusting things you can think of, and the joke goes on and on, possibly for hours, completely improvised, depending on the teller. Finally, the man says to the agent "So, what do you think?" The agent says "That was the most...amazing thing I've ever seen. What do you call yourselves?" And the man says "The Aristocrats!" This film is not for everyone. It is, in fact, "not rated" in the US, but should probably be "NC-17", if not "X", although there is no nudity or violence. But it had me rolling on the floor. __________________ Mike MY04 JBP FXT 5MT

01-29-2006, 06:45 PM	#48 (permalink)
mikeyfireman Contributing Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Sebastopol Ca Posts: 65 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 0 / 0%	"The Aristocrats!" Best movie of 2005, I LOVE this movie!!!! My wife is not into standup comedy so I had to go by myself, laughed for 90min straight!!! __________________ 06 Platinum Silver X No Mods _______________________________________________ "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -- Mark Twain http://www.danasoft.com/sig/Mikeyfireman.jpg

01-30-2006, 06:28 PM	#49 (permalink)
Peaty The Modfather Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Lawrence, Kansas 04 MT F-XT Cobb Stage 2 & 06 B9 Tribeca Posts: 5,724 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 3 / 100%	Something to think about: I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt." Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? __________________ Peaty 04 -XT 06 B9 Tribeca & 99 Miata ScoobyMods peatpics

02-01-2006, 02:28 PM	#51 (permalink)
Peaty The Modfather Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Lawrence, Kansas 04 MT F-XT Cobb Stage 2 & 06 B9 Tribeca Posts: 5,724 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 3 / 100%	Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, QANTAS is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P Stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log. S Stands for the corrective action taken by the service mechanics. P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough. S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for! P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windscreen. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. (Note:this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly) S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up,fly right, and be serious. P: Radar hums. S: Reprogrammed radar with words. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed __________________ Peaty 04 -XT 06 B9 Tribeca & 99 Miata ScoobyMods peatpics

01-31-2006, 11:19 PM	#50 (permalink)
Dan Contributing Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: La Crosse area, Wisconsin Posts: 3,467 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 0 / 0%	Shamelessly stolen from a joke thread on another forum: One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage / S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well... I don't think you should spank him."

02-06-2006, 05:14 PM	#52 (permalink)
SuperRu Admin Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Little Five Points (Atlanta, GA) Posts: 3,076 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 1 / 100%	Panexa. (Acidachrome Pomanganite) Ask your doctor for a reason to take it. http://www.panexa.com/ __________________ Richard 04 XT.... 98S

02-07-2006, 06:55 PM	#53 (permalink)
SubaJew aka: Boca_Yid Contributing Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Boca Raton, FL Posts: 2,908 Gallery: 2 iTrader: 0 / 0%	I found this at http://www.radioreference.com and thought you all might get a chuckle: How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 1 to move it to the Lighting section 2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 5 to flame the spell checkers 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 4 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this forum which makes light bulbs relevant to this forum 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 1 to hijack the thread by asking how to cook pasta 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again __________________ '05 FXT 4EAT (SG9CYBT) PSM Stage 1

02-07-2006, 07:02 PM	#54 (permalink)
Peaty The Modfather Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Lawrence, Kansas 04 MT F-XT Cobb Stage 2 & 06 B9 Tribeca Posts: 5,724 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 3 / 100%	"Top Ten Signs You're a Gay Cowboy," courtesy of David Letterman" 10. "Your saddle is Versace" 9. "Instead of 'Home On The Range', you sing 'It's Raining Men'" 8. "You enjoy ridin', ropin', and redecoratin'" 7. "Sold your livestock to buy tickets to 'Mamma Mia'" 6. "After watching reruns of 'Gunsmoke', you have to take a cold shower" 5. "Native Americans refer to you as 'Dances With Men'" 4. "You've been lassoed more times than most steers" 3. "You're wearing chaps, yet your 'ranch' is in Chelsea" 2. "Instead of a saloon you prefer a salon" 1. "You love riding, but you don't have a horse" __________________ Peaty 04 -XT 06 B9 Tribeca & 99 Miata ScoobyMods peatpics

02-08-2006, 02:35 AM	#55 (permalink)
remal Posts: n/a Gallery: iTrader: / %	Irishman buys a bath ,next day he takes it back to the shop "its no good the water keeps running out" he said ,the shopkeeper looks at it and replies "didnt you buy a plug" "Fooking hell replies paddy i didnt know it was electric" What's 3 things a man should never say in a gay bar? 1. Bottoms up! 2. Well Fcuk me! 3. Can I push your stool in for you? Sorry for that nicked form another forum

02-17-2006, 02:14 PM	#56 (permalink)
Peaty The Modfather Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Lawrence, Kansas 04 MT F-XT Cobb Stage 2 & 06 B9 Tribeca Posts: 5,724 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 3 / 100%	A 7th grade science teacher, Mrs.Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated? "No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 7th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down.Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good,Billy."Then turned to Mary and continued,"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say. First, you have a dirty little mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!" ---------------------------- Things We'd Like To See On Company Motivational Posters..... 1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with abetter company someday. 2) It's only unethical if you get caught. 3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts 4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 5) Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent. 6)If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals! (We suck less!) 7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 8) We put the "k" in "kwality" 9) If something doesn't feel right,you're not feeling the right thing. 10) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity 11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat. 12) If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation. 13) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE..... 14) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members! 15) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation! 16) Your job is still better than asking"You want fries with that?" 17) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. 18) Plagiarism saves time. 19) If at first you don't succeed - try management. 20) At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens. 21) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 22) This can't go on for ever, even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years. 23) Never quit until you have another job. 24) TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself __________________ Peaty 04 -XT 06 B9 Tribeca & 99 Miata ScoobyMods peatpics Last edited by Peaty : 02-17-2006 at 02:22 PM.

03-15-2006, 01:48 AM	#57 (permalink)
Palatine® Administrator Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Warrington UK Posts: 1,019 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 0 / 0%	an oldie but a classic Fishing Rod A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you Everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?" He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50." __________________ JDM MY97 S/tb with a few mods (and stickers)

03-15-2006, 04:33 AM	#58 (permalink)
Subyroo Casper reincarnated Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Sunshine Coast - Australia Posts: 1,183 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 0 / 0%	A bear, a lion and a chicken meet. Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear." Lion says: "If I roar on the savannah, the entire savannah is afraid of me." Says the chicken: "Big deal... I only have to cough, and the entire planet craps itself...." __________________ Peter MY03 XS 5SP White/Metallic Grey "Casper"

03-15-2006, 10:27 AM	#59 (permalink)
keyser soze Contributing Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Could be anywhere.... Posts: 1,140 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 0 / 0%	An ole Cowboy was sittin at a bar. Bartender comes up and says "Hey Chet, if there is re-incarnation, what do you want to come back as?" Chet thought for a moment and said "A womans Saddle." The bartender looks at him strangly and says "Why the hell a womans saddle?" Without looking up Chet says "Then I'd be between my two favorite things in life." __________________ 07 UGM WRX Wagon

03-15-2006, 12:51 PM	#60 (permalink)
BlueDevil Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Fair Hill, Maryland Posts: 585 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 0 / 0%	guy walks into a bar with his giraffe. guy and giraffe both have a few drinks. giraffe passes out on the floor. guy gets up to wak out and the bartender says "you can't leave that lyin there." guy says "it's not a lion, it's a giraffe." why are pirates so popular? they just Arrrrrrrr. what's irish and stays out all night? (i'm irish, btw) pati o'furniture what's the difference between an irish wedding and an irish wake? one less drunk jesus walk into a motel and hands the innkeeper three nails and asks "can you put me up for the night? what do you call a black guy that flies a plane? a pilot you racist __________________ 05 OBP Forester XT's Mod page

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