Post a Joke - Page 2

01-10-2006, 06:37 PM

Ok....

Post Turtle

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Texas rancher(whose hand had caught in a gate while working cattle), a doctor and the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'."

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road,and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain,

"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb thing get down."

Subyroo · 01-10-2006, 08:16 PM

The Witch Doctor

After years of married life, a man finds he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." And refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits, the psychiatrist confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say `1-2-3` and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is "1-2-3-4" and It will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for another year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "1-2-3", and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say "1-2-3" for?"

:evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:

01-11-2006, 01:04 AM

Very finny jokes guys, I really liked the monkey joke, but they all were funny.

keyser soze · 01-11-2006, 05:04 AM

Excellant Jokes!! I love the retorts from Hollywood Squares! Thanks Peaty!

SA_FORESTER · 01-11-2006, 06:06 AM

A guy gets pulled over by a traffic officer who says to him, "Sir you did not come to a complete stop at that stop sign I'm afraid I will have to fine you. Licence and registration please."
"But Officer I slowed down and saw that there were no cars coming so I went. What's the difference?"
"Sir the law states you must come to a complete stop. Licence and registration please."
"Until you can tell me the difference between slowing down and stopping, I refuse to give you anything."
"OK Sir. Please step out of the car"
The guy gets out of the car and the cop climbs into him with his nightstick.
While beating the snot out of him the cop says," Now sir would you like me to stop or just slow down?"

pleiad7 · 01-12-2006, 09:15 AM

Pedro's first day of 4th grade

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry,
1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Pedro. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

buckethead · 01-14-2006, 04:12 PM

An 85 year old man struggles to get up from the couch and puts on his coat. His wife asks where are you going? He replies I'm going to the doctors to get some Viagra. She gets up from her chair and says I'm going with you. Why he asks--whats wrong with you.
She replies nothing, but if you are going to start using that rusty old thing , I need a tetanus shot.

The Black Box · 01-14-2006, 04:42 PM

Nice! :D

Subyroo · 01-15-2006, 04:14 AM

COWBOY WEDDING

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon.
While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are they doing honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel.
The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed.
When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others body.
The bride discovers her husbands penis.
"What is that?" she asks.
"That's my rope," he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks "They're my knots," he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love.
After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!
Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope.

pleiad7 · 01-15-2006, 12:16 PM

I just spit soda all over my keyboard.

Subyroo · 01-15-2006, 04:15 PM

:D :D :D :D

Obviuosly struck a chord somewhere in your "humor" genes.

MailMan · 01-15-2006, 06:14 PM

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was
properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinnydipping
in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went
to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming
out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket
up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Us old men can still think fast.

DonutKing · 01-16-2006, 01:05 PM

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and
asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle
of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily
like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I
do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

MailMan · 01-16-2006, 01:42 PM

One winter morning in Wisconsin a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."

Then the electric power went off. Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman said "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

DonutKing · 01-17-2006, 01:22 PM

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other
day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him
concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you
gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a
female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to
sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on
the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper
rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent
killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

You gotta love the Marines!

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01-10-2006, 08:16 PM	#17 (permalink)
Subyroo Casper reincarnated Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Sunshine Coast - Australia Posts: 1,183 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 0 / 0%	The Witch Doctor The Witch Doctor After years of married life, a man finds he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." And refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits, the psychiatrist confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say `1-2-3` and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is "1-2-3-4" and It will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for another year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "1-2-3", and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say "1-2-3" for?" :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: __________________ Peter MY03 XS 5SP White/Metallic Grey "Casper"

01-11-2006, 06:06 AM	#20 (permalink)
SA_FORESTER Contributing Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: New to Perth Aus Posts: 446 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 0 / 0%	A guy gets pulled over by a traffic officer who says to him, "Sir you did not come to a complete stop at that stop sign I'm afraid I will have to fine you. Licence and registration please." "But Officer I slowed down and saw that there were no cars coming so I went. What's the difference?" "Sir the law states you must come to a complete stop. Licence and registration please." "Until you can tell me the difference between slowing down and stopping, I refuse to give you anything." "OK Sir. Please step out of the car" The guy gets out of the car and the cop climbs into him with his nightstick. While beating the snot out of him the cop says," Now sir would you like me to stop or just slow down?" __________________ Rod MY09 X Camellia Red Pearl

01-12-2006, 09:15 AM	#21 (permalink)
pleiad7 The Seventh Sister Administrator Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Redneck yard of the week, near Forest(er)ville, CA Posts: 12,593 Gallery: 8 iTrader: 16 / 100%	Pedro's first day of 4th grade It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'" Again, no response except from Pedro. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "You little **. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh *, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." __________________ -Silke 04 FXT PP PSM ~ "Subed"* 98 Forester S ~ "Slynki" 92 SVX LS-L ~ x2

01-14-2006, 04:12 PM	#22 (permalink)
buckethead Contributing Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Just east of Reno ,Nv. Posts: 146 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 0 / 0%	An 85 year old man struggles to get up from the couch and puts on his coat. His wife asks where are you going? He replies I'm going to the doctors to get some Viagra. She gets up from her chair and says I'm going with you. Why he asks--whats wrong with you. She replies nothing, but if you are going to start using that rusty old thing , I need a tetanus shot. __________________ I'm out somewhere untanglin' my mind 99L 4EAT

01-15-2006, 04:14 AM	#24 (permalink)
Subyroo Casper reincarnated Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Sunshine Coast - Australia Posts: 1,183 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 0 / 0%	COWBOY WEDDING One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others body. The bride discovers her husbands penis. "What is that?" she asks. "That's my rope," he answers. She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks "They're my knots," he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute! Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?" "No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope. __________________ Peter MY03 XS 5SP White/Metallic Grey "Casper"

01-10-2006, 06:37 PM	#16 (permalink)
RemyJ Posts: n/a Gallery: iTrader: / %	Ok.... Post Turtle While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Texas rancher(whose hand had caught in a gate while working cattle), a doctor and the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White House. The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road,and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb thing get down."

01-11-2006, 01:04 AM	#18 (permalink)
dlroto Posts: n/a Gallery: iTrader: / %	Very finny jokes guys, I really liked the monkey joke, but they all were funny.

01-11-2006, 05:04 AM	#19 (permalink)
keyser soze Contributing Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Could be anywhere.... Posts: 1,140 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 0 / 0%	Excellant Jokes!! I love the retorts from Hollywood Squares! Thanks Peaty!

01-14-2006, 04:42 PM	#23 (permalink)
The Black Box I can argue with no facts to back me up!! Contributing Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 3,427 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 0 / 0%	Nice! :D

01-15-2006, 12:16 PM	#25 (permalink)
pleiad7 The Seventh Sister Administrator Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Redneck yard of the week, near Forest(er)ville, CA Posts: 12,593 Gallery: 8 iTrader: 16 / 100%	I just spit soda all over my keyboard. __________________ -Silke 04 FXT PP PSM ~ "Subed" 98 Forester S ~ "Slynki" 92 SVX LS-L ~ x2

01-15-2006, 04:15 PM	#26 (permalink)
Subyroo Casper reincarnated Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Sunshine Coast - Australia Posts: 1,183 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 0 / 0%	:D :D :D :D Obviuosly struck a chord somewhere in your "humor" genes. __________________ Peter MY03 XS 5SP White/Metallic Grey "Casper"

01-15-2006, 06:14 PM	#27 (permalink)
MailMan Contributing Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Central Connecticut Posts: 52 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 0 / 0%	Still think fast An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinnydipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral of the story: Us old men can still think fast. __________________ 04XT 5MT(ABCDEIKMOSTUVY%*^)

01-16-2006, 01:05 PM	#28 (permalink)
DonutKing Mich. post ho! Contributing Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: viewing the river,Mi Posts: 882 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 1 / 100%	A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me." __________________ I JUST OFFER MY OPINIONS AND SARCASM !

01-16-2006, 01:42 PM	#29 (permalink)
MailMan Contributing Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Central Connecticut Posts: 52 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 0 / 0%	Snow Plowing One winter morning in Wisconsin a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went off. Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman said "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?" __________________ 04XT 5MT(ABCDEIKMOSTUVY%*^)

01-17-2006, 01:22 PM	#30 (permalink)
DonutKing Mich. post ho! Contributing Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: viewing the river,Mi Posts: 882 Gallery: 0 iTrader: 1 / 100%	Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines! Delete Reply Forward Spam Move... Previous \| Next \| Back to Messages __________________ I JUST OFFER MY OPINIONS AND SARCASM !

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