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01-08-2006, 09:59 AM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Admin
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Post a Joke
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother." |
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01-08-2006, 08:46 PM
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#5 (permalink) |
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The Modfather
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Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can use the cafeteria, but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they wouldn't. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your performance. However, one of our secretaries has recently disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "OK, which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" One cannibal reluctantly raised his hand, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! for four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, then you had to go and eat a secretary!"
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01-08-2006, 09:00 PM
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#8 (permalink) |
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The Modfather
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Peter Marshall's favorite answers from Hollywood Squares.
1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why? PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town. 2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen? CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver--that's why they asked the question. 3. What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't? PAUL LYNDE: They give milk...and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies. 4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant? 5. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did. What was it? MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming. 6. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet. 7. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What? PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring. 8. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What? CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking. 9. When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind. What? PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby. 10. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them. CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests. 11. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why? PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride. 12. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it. 13. Do female frogs croak? PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water. 14. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake. 15. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas. PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos. 16. According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons? PAUL LYNDE: No. You should dress warmly. 17. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy? PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some? 18. When you give a waitress a "tip", the letters T-I-P stand for something. What? Paul Lynde: This is pastrami?!? 19. Why do the Hell's Angels wear leather? Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles so easily. |
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01-08-2006, 09:18 PM
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#9 (permalink) |
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This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. one day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less... adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too? The little girl replied... "I will if those useless c..ts at Bunnings ever bring us the f..king gyprock." |
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01-08-2006, 09:24 PM
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#10 (permalink) |
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And one more....
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" |
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01-09-2006, 03:17 AM
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#11 (permalink) |
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Casper reincarnated
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Head Hog
A man called the church office one day and said, "Can I please speak to
the head hog at the trough?" The secretary, highly offended, said, "If you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor' or 'Brother', but you may certainly NOT refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough!'" The man said, "Well, I was planning on giving $10,000 to your church's building fund, but..." "Hold on," the secretary quickly replied, "Porky just walked in."
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Peter MY03 XS 5SP White/Metallic Grey "Casper" |
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01-09-2006, 03:20 AM
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#12 (permalink) |
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Casper reincarnated
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"Loyalty" is a Man thing.
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it. Friendship Between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
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Peter MY03 XS 5SP White/Metallic Grey "Casper" |
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01-09-2006, 05:41 PM
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#14 (permalink) |
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Beautiful Butt...
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek. ----------------------------------------------- The One-Wish Genie... Bill and Harry are in the locker room after their racquetball game when Bill notices that Harry has a cork stuck up his a$$. "If you don't mind me saying," said Bill, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?" "I can't," lamented Harry. "It's permanent." "I don't understand?" said Bill, quite puzzled. Harry then explains: "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over one of those ancient oil lamps. Suddenly, there was a puff of smoke, and then a huge Arabian man in a turban came oozing out." "Wow!" responded Bill. "What happened then?" "He said: 'I am Ahmed the Great and Wonderful Genie. I can grant you whatever you wish... But only one wish!'" "And I foolishly said: 'No sh--?'" |
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01-10-2006, 05:14 PM
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#15 (permalink) |
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While I usually have little commerce with lawyers, a lawyer friend of mine has raised his status some with the following story...
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says... real slowly, "So............... ya gonna vote for Bush again?" -Quick
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